Setting healthy boundaries is an essential part of self-care and maintaining thriving relationships. However, in this era of pandemic life, establishing boundaries with family, loved ones, and coworkers has become paramount to our sanity.

“Oftentimes the most difficult people to set boundaries with are those with whom we are the closest. Even the most functional families, friends, and workplaces can have habitual line-steppers.”

We sat down with Elana Maxwell, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with experience providing emotional support, mental health evaluations, and therapy to people experiencing psychological and emotional challenges. We took a deep dive into familial and social dynamics to understand boundaries and how to manage them best.

What are boundaries?

In short, boundaries are imaginary lines that separate your personal space, needs, emotions, and responsibilities from other individuals. These personal borders are about self-respect and understanding your limits.

Maxwell explains, “Boundaries give form to your true self and act as a guideline for how you treat yourself and subsequently how others treat you. They create realistic expectations and a sense of balance.”

Boundaries can be physical, emotional, or material. Physical boundaries include personal space and our privacy. Emotional boundaries involve taking responsibility for your emotions and the ability to separate your feelings from other people’s emotions. Material boundaries encompass the use of your personal belongings by others.

Boundaries are not about building a wall to block out others or intended to be divisive; but instead, these limits establish your personal space to live and be treated as you choose.

What’s the difference between unhealthy and healthy boundaries?

Ever wonder how you keep putting the needs of others first?

If you have challenges saying no, are consistently busy, unrested, can’t stop ruminating, lack a balanced diet or downtime, you may be struggling with unhealthy boundaries.

Often guilt and resentment arise when unhealthy boundaries are involved. Move past the guilt of setting firm boundaries or accept that your relationships will continue to suffer if you are not happy with how you are treated. Remember, it is your responsibility to speak up.

Healthy boundaries strengthen relationships. They allow you to feel stable and protected while helping you avoid burnout and develop a sense of identity and self-sufficiency.

With healthy boundaries, it’s entirely acceptable to:

change your mind
leave if you feel uncomfortable
not answer every question asked
not pick up the phone or reply to correspondence
live a life that makes you happy even if they don’t understand
end a relationship if they are unable to treat you appropriately
stop being a people pleaser even if you’ve always been. This may be difficult to get over in some relationships, but it sure is rewarding when you set yourself free.
exclude yourself from family or mutual friend’s dynamic issues, disagreements, or gossip. Often it is best to stay out of issues between other people. In families, this is often easier said than done because it’s hurtful to all when there’s dissension amongst family.

Understandably, we avoid setting personal limits out of fear of resistance or our desire to please. Even if we had the courage or felt it was our right, most of us don’t know how to set boundaries.

How to develop healthy boundaries?

1. UNDERSTAND YOUR NEEDS

Setting boundaries is an integral part of establishing our identity. That’s why self-awareness is the first step in setting effective limits. When we’re self-aware, we have an easier time understanding our needs and making them a priority.

Get honest with yourself. Think about your needs and things that make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe.

2. EXERCISE YOUR CHOICE

You are responsible for yourself; therefore, exercise your right to choose what is right for you and what’s not. Own your personal space.

And as always, hold yourself accountable for what you contribute to the relationship dynamic.

3. BE FIRM

If communicated with anger or irritation, unfortunately, it’s likely you wouldn’t be heard. Boundary setting is effective when delivered in a calm yet firm manner.

Find the courage to handle difficult conversations with difficult people. Be assertive and firm in your communication while openly expressing your needs. In return, ask them about their needs to better understand and respect their boundaries as well.

4. BE CONSISTENT

Setting or changing a boundary with someone close to you will likely take time. Remaining consistent and reenforcing your boundaries will help condition your counterpart to act accordingly.

5. PUT YOURSELF FIRST

Putting yourself first ensures you take care of your needs before others. However, supporting others is a healthy part of building community as long as it’s not too draining on you. Find a balance.

What to do if someone doesn’t respect your boundaries?

Setting effective boundaries takes time and patience. Don’t be afraid to repeat yourself in a calm but assertive manner. When someone does not receive your firm communication, you may need to express that there will be consequences if they continue to act in a way that does not comply with your boundaries.

And remember, you are entitled to change your boundary at any time.

When it is time to remove yourself from the situation?

There are times when we must be willing to walk away.

Some people fail to truly understand or respect boundaries; largely because they don’t have any themselves. Unfortunately, it’s common to encounter or have individuals without boundaries in our circle. If a relationship starts to take its toll and cause more harm than good, it’s time for a change.

Do not accept someone repeatedly breaking your boundaries after consistent communication. As hard as it is, remove yourself from the situation until the appropriate behavior is displayed. We understand that this is much easier said than done with close friends or family, but remind yourself that at this point, your health is on the line.

If you are feeling strained or having habitual negative thoughts, seek professional help. Therapy can help you understand more about boundaries and address particular situations with people in your life. Family counseling can also help get everyone on the same page.

Note that boundaries should not be employed to punish another but rather to give you space to protect your mental and emotional wellness.

“’Ghosting’ a loved one is never ok. Give the other person an opportunity to learn by briefly explaining why you need some space, ” says Maxwell.

CONCLUSION

There’s an art to establishing boundaries with others; doing so is essential for a fulfilling life. Just as imperative as it is to set boundaries, it’s important to respect the boundaries of others.

It’s not easy, but setting the right boundaries for you will bring peace beyond measure.

How to Set Healthy Boundaries: A Guide to Personal Well-being

What are boundaries?

What’s the difference between unhealthy and healthy boundaries?

With healthy boundaries, it’s entirely acceptable to: